![]() ![]() How do I start?Īfter six years together, you’ll know how to pick a time when you two can give each other your full attention for an hour or so. This makes me feel more uncomfortable about asking for something, because it feels one sided But I know that if we have this talk, sex will get better. My boyfriend never asks for anything-when I ask him how to make it better for him, he says everything feels amazing and he doesn’t have any particular preferences. Now that I’ve realized this, I want to act on it to avoid frustration in the future. But we’ve been sleeping together for six years, and I feel like I only recently figured out what I like. The alternative, constant correction during sex, doesn’t seem good either. The thought of just sitting down and explaining to him what I want versus what he does is scary. The next time, he always drifts back toward his default. I can ask him to go slower or change something specific in the moment, and he will. He goes with direct and fast, whereas I prefer slow and teasing. The “default” way my boyfriend handles foreplay isn’t actually what I prefer. (Full stop to sexual activity-including genital disengagement-and a “squeeze my hand if you’re here” are a good start.) You might want to talk with him, or really any future sexual partner, about what the freeze response is, what it looks like specifically for you, and how to navigate the situation if it happens. Your reaction to the initial slap sounds alarmingly like a freeze response, and those can be dangerous for people who experience them-freezing sometimes means the person can’t get the words out to call for a stop. When your interactions have normalized, if you still want to try sex again, proceed incredibly slowly. If he grumbles about feeling like he’s in an HR meeting, or goes into “but I already said I’m sorry” mode, move on. Have a second discussion, this time about what level of active consent you need to feel safe, and how you’d like any escalation of kink to be handled. Presuming that first talk goes well, spend some time together outside of the bedroom rebuilding trust, and give your body a chance to recover from any trauma you might have internalized. ![]()
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December 2022
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